[Please note – this is not about being a parent to neurodivergent kids; this is about being a parent while being a neurodivergent adult.]

I don’t think that I’m an expert on being a neurodivergent parent. Like most parents, I’m still very much figuring it out; maybe in 10 years time I might feel like I know enough to write something on it!

But I also know that I’ve not found anything helpful on it, and I know that the current generation of parents is probably the first to get widespread diagnoses of ADHD and autism; I get that being a parent is hard already without doing it as a neurodivergent person too, and people have asked me for advice. So here it is! I don’t think it’s anywhere near the final word, but it is at least some words!

A Bit of Bible

“Parents, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”

Relationships 

One of the key factors in parenting is who else you do parenting with.

I don’t think there’s good data on how long romantic relationships last for neurodivergent adults, though there is evidence that autistic women are more likely to suffer from domestic abuse. But anecdotally, I think having a neurodiverse marriage (i.e. where the two partners have different neurotypes) makes relationships significantly harder, and a large proportion of the neurodivergent parents I know are divorced or separated. 

My hunch is that neurodiverse couples find it harder to stay together, but that when they do, they are better equipped to parent kids together, because they bring a variety of different perspectives.

Because I’m an autistic man married to a neurotypical woman, I get to see some of the ways I can be exasperating to others. And we can understand and explain how both autistic and neurotypical people work.

Self-Awareness

We need to be aware of ourselves in a few different directions.

1. What are our own needs and struggles?

Yes, we are called to sacrifice ourselves and our own preferences for the needs of our children; our needs and preferences do not come first, but we need to be able to care for ourselves enough that we can also care for our children. It’s the oxygen mask thing – you need to make sure your own mask is on so that you can help your child.

For me, as an autistic dad with two noisy boys, that means that we might well need to find ways to get space from them. Tag teaming with the other parent helps. Growing the circle and having grandparents or honorary uncles and aunts involved in child care helps.

2. How Are We Prone to Be Exasperating?

Working in neurodiverse contexts means that we are all prone to annoy each other, and we need to learn how best to mitigate that. I don’t like people interrupting me when I’m concentrating; a loving response is for people not to. Equally, they don’t like some of the things I do; I need to learn not to do them so much.

There’s a key question which parents need to learn to ask – “Is their behaviour reasonable for a child of that age?” By default, I’m far less tolerant of noise than my boys need me to be. But it’s not my preferences that matter – I’m raising my children for this world. For example, if they come into my study when I’m working, my gut attitude is to get angry with them and tell them to go away. But that would be exasperating. It is reasonable for them to want to see their dad. So now I’ll explain that I need to get my work finished, that I’ll come and play when I’m done and give them a hug. It takes more effort for me; it breaks my concentration more, but it’s the right thing to do.

I know that my kids will need to learn to live in this world. They won’t always be hanging around with their autistic dad. So they need to learn to work with the way the world works, as well as learning to be considerate around me and other people who are different..

Parenting for Faith

The best resources I’ve found for helping kids to grow up in the training and instruction of the Lord are those provided by Parenting for Faith.

They speak in terms of tools, which are easily adapted for use by parents of different neurotypes and with kids of different neurotypes.